I Must Have Loved You

Years of waiting for your return
turned to anger then indifference.
I let go of the pain that haunted me,
I learned to move on and stopped letting you control me.
I forced myself to hear your voice,
And tell myself that you didn’t matter.
Gone were the days
of pretending that you ever cared,
or that you ever would again.
I didn’t hope for a text to light up my phone,
in fact, if you did, I wouldn’t have known
it was you. Because I deleted you.
But every now and then
no matter how strong I thought I’d been
I’d hear a song, I’d think of you
and the fierce wave of hate would swell within
almost instantly killed by a longing pain
for the what could have been.
I erected walls to shut people out
they weren’t a challenge to climb
they weren’t a sign for help
I simply needed to protect my sanity
I needed to keep you the fuck away from me
It wasn’t until I realized
that though I don’t need your approval
though I don’t want your love
though I don’t need you in my life
allowing myself to feel so strongly
about you walking out almost twenty years ago
I must have loved you
with a love that was more than love.
Because you were my daddy.
my hero
and I was just in the way.

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